“Good evening sports fans, Stu Pot here and MML Red Zone brings you news of an early season upset in the World Pools in Blitz. So much so my good friend Vincente Chambón ended up choking on his mead Tequila. Vincente can you give us a sense of the atmosphere tonight on the beaches of Tijuana?”
“Thanks Stu, boy is my case of mead Tequila on the line. What looked like a nightmare draw, literally, for the Tijuana Tequila Shots drawn away against the Napannee Nightmare has turned out to be a dream as they landed a surprise win scoring 1-2.
The fans are in seventh heaven as they enjoy free tacos and tequila at the Cantina Loca tonight in celebration of the Shots’ first Blitz win in their inaugural season. This long shot victory is all the more remarkable considering it was against a bunch of lizards designed to skin elves alive backed up by some crazy gobbos with chainsaws and other chicanery.
While Sidewinder had an air of swaggering braggadocio going into the season it wasn’t necessarily the case that his rookie team shared that sense of confidence. I have it on good authority from my reliably informed source, our friendly beach bum, who’s picked up the role of Tequila boy for the team, that the players in the locker room prior to kickoff were nervous as hell. Apparently the team were playing the Champs signature tune, Tequila, as they knocked back the shots to give them some Mexican courage to face the beastly Lizards.
I have to say their worry was compounded as the Tequila Shots were instructed by Sidewinder to kick in the first half and take the punishment on the line from the first hits like the foolish elves they were. There were plenty of knock downs, stuns and KOs, as Dyathinkee Sorruss delivered a KO Blitz to Feral Hellstorm in turn 1 whilst Fungus the Loon, the Nightmare’s fanatic wreaked havoc on the Line of Scrimmage.
That said the Tequila Shots were quick off the mark to show they weren’t going to be willing victims in this match. Turn 2 saw Finbar Feathercap, the enigmatic Wardancer, leap over the heads of Sharp Claw and Dyathinkee Sorruss to deliver a telling blitz on Darth Yoda the gobbo ball carrier. With his able use of his blocking skills Feathercap took Darth Yoda to the ground releasing the ball and breaking the gobbo’s jaw in the process – MNG, OMG! The home fans were rocked as Yoda hit the turf – this was not how it was supposed to go against the rookie Shots.
The fans needn’t have worried as the rest of the half for the Shots went rapidly down hill as their play was peppered with one’s. Prozone our in game statisticians who track everything relished the fact that by the end of the match the Tequila Shots would have gone on to throw a total of forty-nine 1’s on the dice – incredible! Sidewinder was visibly frustrated on the sidelines as his team couldn’t run three yards without tripping over their boot laces and the outstretched claws of the ambling Lizardmen. Our coach cam had to bleep out some of his fruiter outbursts as the air on the touchline turned blue.
The Nightmare went onto dominate the half and caused a moment of concern in turn 5 when Yorik Tierney, an all-round Pro-elf Blitzer, was tap tackled by Tyriod as he tried to dodge out of the lizard’s tackle zone resulting in smashing his knee as he rolled badly on the elf turf. Sidewinder agonised for a good 10 seconds longer than Tierney would have been comfortable with before ordering the Apo out of the dugout… phew back on the subs bench for Tierney, as his Blood Bowl career flashed before his eyes, and the second half beckoned.
The Nightmare continued to strangle the pitch as the KOs racked up – five in total and a touchdown from Brock Big Chin in turn 8 just the way these boys planned in practice. However Tijuana’s turn 8 and the earlier injury to Darth Yoda was with hindsight to prove a pivotal moment in the game.
The lack of badly hurts would prove to haunt the Nightmare for the rest of the game. In the warmth embrace of the bosoms of two delightful babes all five KO’d elves were revived to take the LOS staring gleefully at Fat Little Joe, the chainsaw wielding gobbo, who was about to get sent off as the end of the half beckoned, without even being able to rev his saw once! The Nightmare with their superior strength dominated the LOS… boom, to everyone’s surprise, Kovacs, the mighty blow Blitzer, took out the orc blitzer, Deric Icherson, (badly hurt!) before Hightower tossed a vanity pass to Billy Hoyle to entertain the travelling fans and end the half.
The Nightmare one up but down to eight players on the pitch as the second half began no doubt gave the tequila fuelled Tijuana fans hope for something special. The Shots obviously have great conditioning coaches as the removals stacked up Kovacs struck again in turn 10 knocking out Lulu McGrew before Sharp Claw suffered the ignominy of being surfed into the crowd and KO’d. Down to six players on the field the equaliser was never in doubt as Leaf Me Behind, rookie catcher, comfortably took in a quick pass from Hightower before streaking down the wing to score a turn 11 Touchdown!
Sidewinder sensing an opportunity directed Terry Boots, the Shots’ specialist kicker, to go short – Blitz! Would you believe it the Tequila Shots were now in the driving seat for a potential second quick score! A ruck ensued but with no recognised ball handler and lack of bodies on the field the Lizards of Nightmare experienced their turn of having nightmares. The ball popped loose for the light fingered Ag 5 Darcox to nip in and steal the ball away to score on turn 14.
With three turns to get the job done and score the equaliser the Nightmare benefited from a rare miss kick from Boots to give them a touchback… but would you believe it the elves stepped up and stood firm in the face of the Nightmare as the offence ground to a halt. The final moment of victory was sealed when Feathercap executed, perfectly, a turn 16 sack on Brock Big Chin, who had been the hero of the first half… nightmare the Nightmare went down 1-2 in their own stadium to this fledgling franchise much to their fans’ horror.
Normally Sidewinder is not shy to speak to me on camera, but the reaction from the away fans saw them breach the stands and pile into the dug out carrying Sidewinder and his team away aloft on their shoulders in celebration! Goodness knows where they ended up, no doubt tequila was involved! So one can only assume Sidewinder was happy to be proven right… perhaps there will be no case of mead Tequila for me after all.
The Shots have the Badlands Bears up next week who will no doubt look to rip those elves a new one, but for now the Tequila Shots deserve to celebrate on the beaches of Tijuana. That’s all from me, back to you Stu in the studio.”
P.S. You can catch the playback on our streaming service – Nightmare v Shots