Exclusive: Tijuana Summer 7s gets wild as we discover Linemen Can’t Leap

“Good Evening sports fans, Stu Pot here and the MML Redzone brings you the latest news on the crazy goings on at the beaches of Tijuana, beyond of course the obvious over consumption of mead Tequila Shots – stay in school kids and drink responsibly.

Anyway enough corporate social claptrap, over to my Mexican friend Vincente Chambón – what have you got for us down at Cantina Loca Vincente?”

“Stu the story of the Tijuana Tequila Shots continues to unfold and confound the experts of the game and this is even before the first kick-off of the season! Sidewinder, although a legend of the game on the astrogranite, is proving controversial in his management of the Shots. First we had the Foneyball malarkey and then the dubious funding, say no more, to acquire the services of Hightower as starting QB adding much need star power to this rag tag bunch of tequila downing wardancers.

Now it turns out two hustlers of the Tijuana beach scene have been picked up by Sidewinder to stand on the line of scrimmage on defensive teams. How do I know this? Well my impeccably placed source, the friendly beach bum, was hanging out by the surf as some frat wood elves fancied their chances at Sidewinder’s annual Tijuana Beach Summer 7’s.

Boy o’ boy were those young frat elves schooled by two wily ol’ foxes. On the sand these poor frat elves couldn’t get a word in edge ways as the ‘yo mama’ jokes were flying – one brutal sledge that was overheard “Your mother’s so poor I saw her kicking cans and I asked her what she was doing she said ‘moving’.”

Not only did these two cool cats show the young guns up, but they were making plenty of wedge with their hustle and side bets as they progressed through the tournament virtually untouched. The final saw one of these quick footed cats leap a prone dancer on the way to a stylish swan dive in the end zone – Sydney Deane introduced himself with great fanfare to the gathering beach crowd.

However his buddy, Billy Hoyle, was less than impressed and wasn’t slow at coming forwards offering his criticism – ‘That’s the problem with you Sydney, you’d rather look good and lose than look bad and win – you could have dropped that ball with that ridiculous leaping swan dive!’

Deane reportedly retorted, ‘That’s the problem with you Billy, you can’t leap, let’s be honest white elves can’t leap.’

After presenting the trophy of the Beach Summer 7s to Hoyle and Deane Sidewinder sent the crowd wild as he announced that along with the trophy that this pair of hustling linemen would be joining the defensive line with two wildcard draws! Now don’t get overexcited the life expectancy of a defensive elf lineman in Blitz is roughly about turn one.

I managed to grab hold of Hoyle in the Cantina Loca last night as the frat elves stood him round after round of tequila, in celebration – no wonder that elf can’t leap, he was blind drunk! I put it to Hoyle that he was a willing stooge in Sidewinder’s PR machine to crank out the mead tequila sales north of the Rio Grande and that he’d be lucky to see half time in his first match!

Now I can’t be entirely sure, but I think Hoyle slurred,

Vincente, just you wait and see, hiccup… I can leap, I just choose not to do it in a game – I’d rather look bad and win, than look good and get crunched. But I tell you this, by the end of the season I’ll leap to score a touchdown – just you wait and see.

“It appears Hoyle and Deane have a flair for the theatrics to match Sidewinder’s schmaltz – and with Hoyle committing to developing his leaping skills to score a TD, if he lasts long enough to skill up it, could be an incredible sight! Of course I highly doubt it – and I’ve got a case of mead Tequila on such a thing not coming to pass.

For now, that’s all the craziness from Tijuana. Back to you Stu in the studio”