Newsflash: Hightower Retires Right Before Shots’ Playoff Charge Begins

“Good evening sports fans, Stu Pot here, and we interrupt your regular MML Redzone build up to the opening round playoff match of the Warriors versus the Tequila Shots with a Newsflash that potentially has major ramifications for the Shots in their imminent playoff run. Without any delay over to the rascal that is Vicente Chambón who finds himself at the Molenas Colosseum as the dark clouds gather overhead, Vincente…”

“Thanks Stu, dark clouds gather indeed – I have to say being on the road with the Shots at the Colosseum is nowhere near as fun as the tequila swilling fun that is to be had at the Cantina Loca with those sexy frat elves – but enough of my woes… newsflash indeed!

I’ve just come out of the Away team dressing room as the Shots prepare for their first ever playoff match only to hear directly from Coach Sidewinder that there has been a major shakeup to the starting lineup who go up against those hideous claw pombing Warriors.

I can exclusively reveal that legendary Quarterback Soaren Hightower has retired, for a second time, with immediate and lasting effect. He was badly tagged in the brutal match up in the emerging World Division rivalry with the east coast Bullies where the Shots took them to pieces delivering three MNGs, including Dodge Viper, Blitz’s most expensive franchise player, not to mention the shock on field death of The Questing Knight… 

Rightly upset, Coach Jimmy Mac ordered the team to retaliate with ferocity resulting in Hightower being on the receiving end as his knee buckled back to a hideous angle in a rare sacking mid-action play.

He was MNG for the final game of the season against the Necro Police, but made it back in time for the vital wild card shoot out against the Sevensixes to throw the winning pass, exercising his demons from the dreadful game he had against Coach DiMarko’s team in the regular season.

However it was clear that he was missing a step having been forced to play on the defensive drive due to a dwindling elvin bench – who knew, elves die! Hightower and Sidewinder are long-standing friends on and off the field and it appears a candid heart-to-heart conversation between the old buddies led to the decision. I asked Sidewinder what led him to retire this legend of the game as they set-up for their historic first Blitz Playoff match – he said to me…”

“Vincente, let me say from the top, this is undoubtedly the hardest coaching decision I’ve ever had to make. Hightower is a longstanding close friend, a legend of the game and a firm favourite of the Shots’ fans. We had to take the tough decision to protect Hightower’s well-being so he could have a retirement. We’re on the road, but the first home match of next season will see us recognise his faithful service to the Shots where we will retire his jersey, celebrating all that he’s achieved in our beloved game.

On a more positive note I’m pleased to announce exclusively to you that as of next season Hightower will join our coaching staff as Head Offensive Line coordinator to settle in a new rookie QB and get him up to speed on the fast paced action that is Blitz. For now, lets focus on the task at hand – the Warriors”

“Never let it be said the MML Redzone doesn’t bring you exclusives on Blitz… and whilst we’re at it Stu another vignette that Sidewinder dropped off camera was that Monster Hunter Leo has also been taken out of the lineup for the playoffs. Apparently the superstrong wood elf having had an armour bust and his dauntless approach to the game fail when he faced up to Ricky Buggati on his deathroller in the last match has unnerved him. He’s taking early retirement from the game, but like Hightower, will find himself on the coaching staff where his muscles will be put to good use showing the defensive line of scrimmage how to mix it with the biggest beasts of Blitz.

So Shots go into the playoffs against the Warrior minus two key players, they’ve slimmed their TV down considerably, but will they miss the long bomb reach of Hightower – who will be the designated ball carrier as Sidewinder undoubtedly moves towards a dark elf running game instead of the Helf passing plays that have entertained the tequila swilling fans in the stand. All good questions, but we’ll have to wait for the answers on the field this evening to find out. That’s all for now, back to you Stu in the Studio.”

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