Medical Office Report: Season 1; Week 7
So Blitzers, most of you have made it to the end of the season for the viewing of the Playoffs! Let us all hope they hold up their xSHOW and make sure to show us some BLITZ!
But, I don’t think any of you are here to hear about what is to come. More on what has passed, am I not right? Or should that be who has passed?
But first, why don’t we start with a quick recap of the Free Agency Market. There are currently 313 players available, and 27 of these are injured. My team & I have been working for the last 7 weeks on patching up these 27 players as much as possible. I bet you are all dying to see the results? But with such low numbers to work on, it certainly sounds like we will have plenty of time to look into any released players, prior to Season 2. Will the available free agents perk up substantially? Or will we cause chaos with rushing our work? Only Nuffle knows the answer to such a dilemma!
So after the 5 deaths of our initial week, what did the remaining 6 weeks hold for us?
The Arizona Aristocrats treated their team as if they were French. They matched the first week by themselves over the course of the remaining season. Old James; Gwenn; Horsey Face; Bonnie Bannan & Janet Varney. They certainly made their mark under their opponents boots.
The Hamelin Renegades appeared to have brought in renegade medics, much to the demise of Lacek Doomhunter, but they learnt the error of that suffering only a single other mishap to Snak Ironbasher throughout the season. But our sources have confirmed there was nothing anyone could have done.
The Templehof Howlers were howling mad with their necromancer who doesn’t seem to like Tomb Guardians very much: Nun the Swift & Bralek the Backstabber going down pretty hard. But they retrained him pretty well after this, I believe the additional wolf monitoring him had nothing to do with it.
The Oldworld Outsiders didn’t want to be left outside the morgue, but at least they only visited once to deposit Colinet le Berger.
The Blackforest Unicorns are almost as hard to find on this list, as their namesake is to catch. But Meat Sack became exactly that, a sack of tenderised meat. With Prince Elkanion joining him slightly later.
It wouldn’t be a list of death and destruction without the Granite City Guardians. Ungrim Mudhand & Notherd Battleaxe now enter the hall of Guardians, to rest eternally.
The Dragon Isle Poachers would be expected to be pretty good at not getting caught, but that never helped them. Denis; Debbie Dallas & Rokk Wildhead all got caught doing, and stamped out accordingly. Rumour has it that some have their videos playing on a perpetual loop.
The Clearwater Sea Orgs appear to have organised some pirates, which may be why they lacked the training to wear armour. Gunther Hamlyn; Herc Poirot; Trevor Treacle & Barry the Sheepherd will have been wishing to not have made that mistake. Some even thought they were trying to steal the Aristocrats title of most vulnerable.
The Transylvania Terrors terrorised some of their own players so badly that their hearts stopped. Again. Nikpal Desperado; Remus Bloodsniffer & Contortionist Cammie won’t be terrorising anyone else, least of all their fans with those performances.
The Badlands Rejects decided to reject their armour at some points this season. More fool them, at least the gravediggers never rejected their funds. Brady Gaga; Rangac; Stampy; Burga Fillin & Road Block will be remembered at least in the badlands.
Feckington Fire Hams also wanted to get in on the heat of sacrificing players. Angry Dancer; Otto Lauer & Gustaf Ottmann got all fired up, and had the opposition feasting on bacon for their sacrifice.
The Antwerp Owls may have been sleeping when the safety briefs were played. Rise N Shine certainly regrets sleeping through that one. Just kidding folks, we don’t have safety in Blitz! That is a ridiculous notion.
The Calgary Misanthropes may have been a late joiner to the league, but by no means did they want to miss out on the death reports. Mrs Stackle was their sacrifice for some publicity, and boy is she a good motive for publicity!
The Eoforwic Blue Bloods may have long forgotten how to pronounce their town name, but that is nothing to do with the proper spelling, it is those extra large beers they drink. Unfortunately, Kevin Surefoot & Kirgurd Hammerhand had a few too many before their games and couldn’t tell which of the 5 opponents was hitting them.
Montreal Havoc almost caused exactly that with the lack of death surrounding them. So they sacrificed up Royal Oak, the wardancer was a delight of the crowds. At least when he stopped moving.
The Atlantis Vipers may have been venomous to their opponents, but they certainly shared it with Orlov & Zeco. Neither will be slithering anywhere else any more.
The Jamul Jabronis certainly like to make lists, most of the watch lists they are on are very special indeed. But Leather Lips has sealed his for now, or even permanently. It is still unknown whether this was to keep the coaches secrets or not.
The Dunsford Do Lilly Taps almost managed their season, but Finehord Ironboot had other ideas. He was Dilly Dilly and will regrettably not be returning to anything any more.
Our final death of the main season goes to the Stumptown Slavers and Tiet Bleeder. When asked if the coach had any concerns, he muttered about buying more reliable stock from the next market.
So 19 teams had deaths this season. 42 further deaths since our initial 5 of week 1. How do we all feel about that? 47 deaths over the season? I think we need more death and destruction next season! But only Nuffle knows how satiated he is with these numbers. The rest of us can just sit back, relax and enjoy the spectacle that is BLITZ!
Yours Surgically,
Dr. Dionysis
