Medical Office Report: Season 1; Week 1

So Blitzers, it’s time for your weekly summary from the medical offices of Dr. Dionysis.

Our friendly and respectable coaches who started the league off with a mightily boring game.  What sort of ridiculous game doesn’t have any injuries?  The Blue Bloods & The Owls better improve next week!

But The Great Warriors sure put the boot down on The Surfers!  3 niggles, thankfully not all on the same player!  And despite losing their game, the Donks have ensured a fantastic Leaping Lizard will not make an appearance next week.  But we will have him good as new for the week after!

Next up we have some more permanence, Bushy Beard of The Poachers will never be as fast again, and Raiden Stormmaker is missing a week to lick his wounds.

And then we have our first death!  How exciting folks! Nuffle obviously took offence at Mr Reliable being so named, but gave him a chance.  But alas, Nuffle gave the Claws of Finebord Ironboot a little extra punch on Turn 13, and Mr Reliable was no longer to be relied upon!  But hey, he last longer than Tiet Bleeder who was niggled before the half was out!

And did anyone not expect any injuries between The Renegades and The Guardians?  Nah!  Although, Ungrim Mudhand may be a little slower now… basically just a prettier long beard if you ask me!  And Snak Ironbasher is recuperating for a week.

After another boring injury free game, we get the Terrors facing off against The Howlers.  There was Terror and there was Howling as we had another death! A little Wight on Wight action, Afterlife vs Afterlife Karl Hellguard laughing in the face of Grimm the Cold’s block, to the point not even the Necromancer seen any point in attempting a resucitation!  Old Bone Jake was so mortified at the dilemma that he will be out next week with consolation.

But Blitz! fans, Nuffle really wanted to reward us, and provided more death in the next game to. Thrain Deepscar of the Havoc survived the first blow of Foaming Mad Furrikson of The Money, but when he piled on EVERYTHING broke! His teammate Elma Dudd & even Snitch Snarl of the opposition will need a week out in therapy.

The next game had Nuffle taking a little break to allow teams a bit of a break.  Thron & ready Meal of the Chaos took this a little too far, and are waiting for next week to return.

But when Stunties step onto the pitch, Nuffle has to act again.  I mean, otherwise it will just disappoint his adoring fans! Yet again it came from a Chaos Dwarf, this time Zuurud Cruelhart of the Winners (you would expect a team of that name to actually win…) said hellow to Windbreaker, who will no longer be breaking wind. Kniddz, his goblin cohort, took a rather hefty blow, I have received reports that he will be a little more delicate when he steps back on the pitch unless something can be done to provide him better armour.

And The Outsiders receiving one of the more frustrating injuries against The Vipers.  Tarquin Farquarr will be hitting a little more gently from now on, but at least Orlov will receive more injuries with his niggle.

And sorry to spoil the rest of the article for those that have actually learnt to read, but we have our final death of the week next!  The Aristocrats Try Hard took a Mighty Blow from Lufin Blacksoul from the Beasts, but with the following Piling On there was not much left to revive.  Bonnie Bannan is mysteriously shaken about the event as well, could there have been hidden relations?

And The Tunnelers delivering an interesting blow to Dietmar Schu of the Fire Hams, there have been reports that he is no longer doing so well in the gym, those weights are a lot more daunting for him!  And finally the Rejects Goin Solo is needing a rest after the tough match against The Jabronis.  But fear not, he will be back on the pitch after a week of our precious care!

I would love to say that is all folks.  But there is still a game pending, so our team can’t rest yet.  As soon as these layabouts are done, I can complete my report and get some shuteye!

And as it turns out, it was a good thing this report was left open.  The Harlequins thought it would be apt to ensure that The Falcons player Gunter Reckless will need to hit the weights a lot harder from now on.  But none of that impacts our montage for those poor players that will never return to the pitch again.  And here they are:


So if anything we have learnt this week, Don’t treasure Strength, and certainly watch out for Chaos Dwarfs!

Remember, if there are any medical questions, please feel free to ask and I am sure one of the staff may pick it up… Although I am fairly sure Grimm had a question pending an answer from his first life.. You may get luckier…

Yours Surgically,

Dr Dionysis

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