Drama in the Blackforest as kidnapped coach returns

Coach ClownZombie shocks blitz by buying team with his own ransom money 

There was uproar in the Blackforest last night as the kidnapping drama that has gripped the Blitz community all season long came to a dramatic and surprising conclusion with the safe return of coach ClownZombie.   

Last seen being carried away in the clutches of a, as yet unidentified, dragon just before their second game of the season, Coach ClownZombie had been feared dead after no trace of him had been found, despite weeks of frantic searching by fans and players. While initial suspicion for the kidnapping fell firmly on the Dragon Isle, initial searches of the island had revealed no trace of the captured coach, leaving many in the blitz community to comment “what’s a clownzombie?”, “Oh yeah, that guy” and “get that crystal ball out of my face!” 

Team star player Fenrick Fallen had even been dispatched with a large portion of the team’s budget as potential ransom money, so desperate were they for the coaches safe return. However, all that changed last night during the Blackforest GM’s traditional post-season press conference, which this year included the unveiling of an official statue commemorating the memory of their missing coach.  Just as GM JimSardonic pulled back the curtain on the tasteful yet provocative statue of the diminutive coach riding nude atop the team’s unicorn mascot, none other than Coach ClownZombie himself strode into the room, stunning the assembled journalists into silence. 

ClownZombie wasted no time in striding directly up to GM JimSardonic, placing a bulging bag of gold in his hands and saying “the Blackforest thanks you for your service, but I’m buying this team.”  

Asked to explain where he had been all these last weeks, ClownZombie said; “I had no idea at first, all I knew was that I had been kept in a dark cell with no windows for who knows how long. It was cold, and there was loud techno music blaring out almost every hour of the day. I had waited and waited for the Unicorns to come and rescue me but eventually I gave up hope. So I decided that if I wanted to escape then I’d have to do it myself, and after managing one night to finally seduce the guards with my svelte elven-like physique, I grabbed the keys and made a dash for the exit.”  

“I remember the techno music getting louder and louder, and I eventually came to a large room where I spotted the largest Norseman I had ever seen. Thankfully he was preoccupied painting a self-portrait for what I heard him say was a “wunderbar post workout selfie for my fellow coaches”, whatever that means.”  

“However, just as I made my way to sneak out I saw a bag of money on a table with what looked like the Unicorns logo on the side, and next to the bag I found this!”  

Suddenly ClownZombie displayed a handwritten note which read: “As agreed, here’s your share of the ransom money. Don’t forget to keep him there as long as you can. Eventually you can even start sending us little pieces of him in the post. Yours co-conspiratorily, GM Jim.” 

“I always suspected that I wasn’t fully trusted as coach” said ClownZombie, “what with all the players dying whenever we played and that. But I had never expected that they’d go this far to get rid of me”

“Of course, my first thought had been to take the money and run. Maybe start a new life somewhere exotic like Drumphtopia or Tiger Bay. But then I thought that there’s no better way to get even than revenge! And what’s a better way to get revenge than by taking something that they love, buying it from them with the very money they had used to orchestrate your own kidnapping, and then being in charge of the way it plays Blood Bowl.”

New GM and Coach ClownZombie went on to say that Season tickets for the new season would go on sale soon, with discounts available for anyone who knew how to help coach a blood bowl team.