Ahead of the draft for the 9th MML Blitz season the popular Atlantis journal ‘Watching the Sea Level’ secured an exclusive short interview with Coach Osiris. Questions ranged from vaguely relevant to dull and uninteresting, but they got asked anyway. So here’s the interview in full!
WSL: Season 9 is just around the corner, what preparations if any are taking place at the Atlantis Bay Blood bowl arena?
Osiris: We are all very excited about the new season here at Atlantis Bay, we have laid clean new grass turf, added accessible seating for the many, many disabled skinks on the island, and cleared out most of the venomous sea snakes that live under the seats. Some snakes do still remain but we estimate only a 2-3% death rate from snake bites among the fans which is sustainable for our business model.
WSL: Will there be Skink burgers served at Viper matches?
Osiris: That is a terrible question, why would you ask that?? No there will not be Skink burgers and visiting fans should be aware that if they arrive with Skink burgers brought in from outside the arena the burgers will be seized. The burger meat DNA will be analysed and the closest living relative of the deceased Skink will be found. The fan will then be made into a burger themselves and fed to the family of the deceased Skink who was used as an ingredient in the burger.
WSL: Do you have a favourite pick for the draft?
Osiris: Yes, yes I do. There is an Amazon Blitzer who will be my first pick in the draft. But that’s all I can say about that.
WSL: Many new and experienced coaches are joining Blitz this season, if you could pick three coaches and either Exhibition match, Dull draw or Destroy who would you choose for each?
Osiris:…That is tough. Exhibition match with Giohacekas, Dull Draw with Thunden, Destroy Alma/Overkill.
WSL: How do you respond to the the critics who say you’ve played too many games in the Cabalvision Champions Ladder this season and haven’t got enough experience managing a mixed team?
Osiris: Admittedly I have played a lot of CCL recently but it hasn’t dulled my team building skill at all. I continue to follow the same ethos I always have. I plan to emphasise fun over results. To please the fans first and the shareholders second. Entertainment is everything for the Vipers and our coach this season is bringing her own brand of shenanigans to season 9.
WSL: It’s turn 1 and Vipers are on defence. A level 5 Skink gets a serious injury, do you call in the apothecary?
WSL: The Skink is level 4.
WSL: The Skink is level 3.
WSL: The Skink is level 2.
WSL: … The Skink is le-
WSL: What if it is a dead Kislev.
Osiris: Save the apo for a Skink.
WSL: How many Big Guys will the Vipers draft this season?
Osiris: If possible we will try to get all three. I’ve shortlisted the ones I want and we have the cash to spend big. If I can get Bear Grylls I will sign him. He’s a born survivor.
WSL: Is there anything you would like to say in conclusion? Perhaps a message to the other coaches?
Osiris: If you can score, just score. If you can foul, just score. If you could stall, think of the fans. Three weeks from now, I will be standing by the side lines. Imagine where you’re team will be, and it will be so. If you find yourself a potato alone, running in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in the injury box, and you’re already dead!